HF: The Gritty Reboot of Crocodile Dundee

BLACK WATER

(David Nerlich & Andrew Traucki, 2008)

BLACK WATER: ABYSS

(Andrew Traucki, 2020)

Aussie croc franchise that thankfully goes for a more realistic approach and keeps its crocs mostly offscreen. The first film follows a man, his pregnant wife, and her sister as they go for a fishing trip in a remote river. After their boat is attacked by a croc, they climb a tree and remain there for most of the film's running time. It has two potent and disquieting moments that have to do with what the croc does to one of the bodies. Even at just 90 minutes, it's runtime feels pushed to the max and repetitive. The sequel suffers a similar fate. That one is a combination of the first film and The Descent, in which a group of friends go spelunking. Once in the cave, it starts flooding due to heavy rain, and they soon find themselves the targets of a crocodile. Some tense moments, but still too many scenes were not much is happening. The second film has a surprise set piece at the end that I wish it had gotten too much faster. GRADES: C+

THE COVENANT

(Renny Harlin, 2006)

Mashup of The Lost Boys and The Craft that goes painstakingly out of its way to not be too witchy. It's a mid aughts horror riff on "No homo, bro!" And like all films from the era, it has that blueish filter. Steven Strait stars as a student at a private school who is descended from a 17th century coven. Known as the Sons of Ipswitch, he is about to turn 18 and his true powers are to be unleashed. Or something. None of it makes much sense and the film is mostly remembered for its parade of twinks. Harlin had definitely lost some of that magic he showed off in the 90's. With Sebastian Stan, Taylor Kitsch, and Chace Crawford. GRADE: D

HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT 2

(Bruce Pittman, 1987)

Amusingly crazy and superior sequel to the 1980 film. Mostly ditching that film's whodunit storyline for a possession tale, the film follows a young woman (Wendy Lyon) becoming inhabited by the twisted spirit of a prom queen (Lisa Schrage) who was killed at the dance thirty years earlier. It doesn't take itself seriously, with memorable characters and fun death sequences. There are apparently two more Prom Night movies, minus the remake, but they are hard to track down. Co-starring Michael Ironside. GRADE: B+

THE INVISIBLE MAN

(Leigh Whannell, 2020)

Why would you cast Oliver Jackson-Cohen if you are just going to make him invisible? Do not deprive us of that sumptuous man candy! That's probably the biggest mistake this new take on the classic tale delivers, thankfully. Elisabeth Moss stars as a woman in hiding from her abusive ex-boyfriend. After news of his suicide, she begins to realize she's still not alone and he's found a way to be invisible. Absolutely a timely approach, the film yields some very tense moments and surprises. And another great turn by Moss, who continues to be one of our best working actresses. Even though Mr. Jackson-Cohen didn't get enough visibility, there is also Aldis Hodge in very tight pants. GRADE: B+ 

RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE

(Paul W.S. Anderson, 2010)

I had seen the first half of this nearly 10 years ago, and decided to give it a proper viewing since I've seen all of the other films in this franchise. The first three films aren't great, or even particularly good, but they are watchable and entertaining. The last two are pretty damn awful, and this one falls almost between leaning toward the latter. Milla Jovovich returns as Alice, who joins a group of survivors of the zombie apocalypse in a prison in Los Angeles. This was shot using 3D cameras, and it's funny to look back at the picture quality 10 years on. There are shots that are absolutely breathtaking in their detail, but some of it has that obnoxious hyperreal quality. With Ali Larter, Boris Kodjoe, and Wentworth Miller. GRADE: C-

HF: The JLC1980 Trio

 In 1980, Jamie Lee Curtis appeared in three horror films. I watched them to celebrate this anniversary.

THE FOG

(John Carpenter)

I've seen this now about half a dozen times and it has become one of my favorites. Carpenter was really on a roll as a filmmaker from the mid 70's to mid 80's, and it's telling how great that roll was when this is regarded as the lowest point of that run. On the eve of its centennial ghosts come in the form of a mysterious fog to the California town of Antonio Bay. Curtis plays a hitchhiker forced into the chaos, and it's a nice supporting role. If there is a lead, it's Adrienne Barbeau. As the iconic night disc jockey broadcasting from the town's lighthouse, she brings elegance and vulnerability to the proceedings. It's one of my favorite performances of the genre, a statement I don't make lightly. The themes of the film, of America atoning for its violent past, play even better today. The cinematography, score, and Carpenter's direction give it a timelessness, like a classic ghost story passed down through generations. Also with Tom Atkins, Janet Leigh, and Hal Holbrook: GRADE: A 

PROM NIGHT

(Paul Lynch)

I watched this at some point during the slasher boom of the late 90's, and was thoroughly unimpressed. Given two plus decades went by, I decided to give it another chance. While I'm still not really a fan, I probably enjoyed it slightly more this time. I think most of the film just doesn't work, but it does come together in the final act. It just takes too long to get there. A few years after a young girl was killed in a prank, the pranksters are being killed one by one on the night of their high school prom. Jamie is the likeable final girl in this very Canadian production. Some memorable death sequences, but it's all too little, too late. It's at least better than 2008's awful remake. Leslie Nielsen also appears, and then kinda just disappears. He's actually pretty compelling in more serious roles. GRADE: C+

TERROR TRAIN

(Roger Spottiswoode)

Another Canadian production, another prank gone wrong, another whodunit, and Jamie yet again as the Final Girl. Interesting to note that this film came out three months after Prom Night. There she plays a high school student and here she's about to graduate college. Range! I saw about 40 minutes of this 15-ish years ago, I'm still not sure why I didn't finish it. I think I was just very tired at the time? This is a much more enjoyable 80's slasher flick about a fraternity's graduating party on a train where a killer lurks. It does have that problem that film's set on a train have where it seems like the "car" they are in is way too wide. Terror Train has its pleasures and the twist is clever even if the third act is a little too drawn out. Ben Johnson, David Copperfield, and horror hunk Hart Bochner also appear. GRADE: B

HF: Wait. Did Jennifer stand on a pier in Phenomena, too?

PHENOMENA

(Dario Argento, 1985)

Hard to believe, but Jennifer Connelly would have just been shy of 14 when she filmed this Giallo from Argento. She plays an American teen attending a boarding school in Switzerland where a serial killer is killing young women. Oh, and she has a telepathic connection to insects. And there's a monkey that uses a razor to get revenge. And Donald Pleasance is also there. It's all a bit goofy, but it works. I was shocked to realize this is only the second Argento I've seen. Better get cracking. GRADE: B

PREVENGE 

(Alice Lowe, 2017)

A pregnant woman begins hearing her unborn child urging her to murder in this horror/dark comedy mashup. Lowe wrote, directed and stars; she's a true talent, one I hope gets more vehicles in the future. The film does occasionally suffer from being uneven, it's a hugely ambitious debut and one with a unique voice behind it. I think it's probably the rare film to depict a female killer from her perspective. The Witch's Kate Dickie also appears. GRADE: B

RABID

(David Cronenberg, 1977)

Early Cronenberg in which adult film actress Marilyn Chambers plays a woman injured in a motorcycle accident. After an experimental surgery, she develops a stinger-type thing (with pretty obvious symbolism) in her underarm that feeds on people and causes a zombie outbreak. Despite being over forty years old, Rabid has remained a genuine original - a take on both the zombie and body horror genres that really pulls you in as it continues. Low budget and rough around the edges in all the right ways. I get the feeling this one will grow in esteem for me with future viewings. GRADE: B+

STONEHEARST ASYLUM

(Brad Anderson, 2014)

An impressive cast leads this gothic chiller, a mediocre adaptation of the short story "The System of Doctor Tarr and Professor Fether" by Edgar Allen Poe. A young alienist (Jim Sturgess) is brought to an insane asylum where the inmates are running the...well, you get it. Given the clever spin Anderson put on the mental institution thriller in Session 9, I was disappointed this one didn't offer anything new. Kate Beckinsale, Michael Caine, Ben Kingsley, Brendan Gleeson and David Thewlis round out the cast. GRADE: C

UNHINGED

(Derrick Borte, 2020)

A single mother (Caren Pistorius, a Daisy Ridley doppelganger) battling some personal and financial problems gets a vicious taste of road rage from a fellow driver (Russell Crowe) in this thriller. Crowe has put on significant weight in the past several years, and that actually helps him in this role playing a bloated sociopath with nothing to lose. (I don't mean for this to sound mean at all!) The film thankfully wholly embraces its B-movie mechanisms, though it doesn't quite hit the highs of films like Joy Ride and Breakdown. GRADE: B

HF11: What happens if you summon Blood Mary and Candyman at the same time?

GIRL ON THE THIRD FLOOR

(Travis Stevens, 2019)

Wrestler CM Punk (billed as Phil Brooks) stars in this play on the classic "fixing up a haunted house" tale. A man with a scandalous past moves to a small town to work on the home while his pregnant wife finishes up some business in the big city. Left to his own devices and trying to prove his masculinity, he begins to encounter strange events and a deadly apparition. I was a bit skeptical and not really feeling this one at first, but it eventually won me over with its use of practical effects/gore and a third act shift of perspective. That said, Brooks can't really sell this. I have no doubt he has great charisma as a wrestler, but as an actor he really struggles. The women in the film fare much better. With Trieste Kelly Dunn and Sarah Brooks. GRADE: B-

MIRRORS

(Alexandre Aja, 2008)

Kiefer Sutherland plays a disgraced cop who takes a job as night security for a building that was destroyed by fire. The remaining mirrors are clean, and home to a supernatural force using them as a gateway to claim some victims. Or something. I like most of Aja's output, but this might be his worst. It just doesn't work. Little suspense, but some potent gore. Check out Oculus instead for your reflective horror. Paula Patton and Amy Smart also appear. GRADE: C-

THE NEW MUTANTS

(Josh Boone, 2020)

Long delayed spinoff of The X-Men franchise in which young mutants are being held in an institution where their deadly skills might be harnessed for evil. On one hand, it has a similar plotline to the third Nightmare on Elm Street (the creators said that film was an inspiration) and it's the first X-Men film to embrace an overtly queer storyline. Sadly, it succumbs to an overabundance of visual effects and the denouement betrays the quieter moments that somewhat work. Not quite the mess the delays led us to believe it was, but never fulfills it's promise. With Blu Hunt, Maise Williams, Anya Taylor-Joy, Charlie Heaton and Alice Braga. GRADE: C

THE PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS

(Wes Craven, 1991)

I saw this one sometime in the late 90's, and had mostly forgotten it. I figured it was due for a rewatch, and it really worked for me this time. Combining batshit crazy horror and pitch black comedy, the film is about a young Black boy used in a plot to rob the home of a rich, white couple. He gets more than he bargained for in a literal house of horrors. I was kinda surprised at the number of films that borrow elements from this, including Don't Breathe and The Frighteners. Even more surprising is that this film has never been remade as there are quite a few aspects that are timelier than ever. I just wish Craven had killed off that damn dog way earlier than he did. Benefited greatly by a terrific child actor - Brandon Adams. AJ Langer and Ving Rhames also star. GRADE: B+

SERIES 7: THE CONTENDERS 

(Daniel Minahan, 2001)

"Episode" of a reality series in which contestants are forced to kill one another until the last person is standing. The satire may have lost some of its bite after years of forced-to-kill-one-another entertainment such as Purge movies and Hunger Games blockbusters. The great Brooke Smith is the lead, a pregnant woman packing ammo while hunting down her fellow stars. One of them is her high school boyfriend. A pre-Arrested Development Will Arnett provides the sensationalized narration. Merritt Wever (then a teenager) and Glenn Fitzgerald also appear. GRADE: B- 

URBAN LEGENDS: BLOODY MARY

(Mary Lambert, 2005)

Direct-to-DVD chapter in the Scream-knockoff franchise, in which a group of high school girls unleash an evil spirit who begins killing their group of friends. I watched this a few weeks ago and can barely remember any of the story, just how bad the filmmaking was. That's definitely a disappointment because Lambert is not without talent, and the previous two entries were some of the better entries in the late 90's/early 00's slasher resurgence. (Though this film was actually made without any association to the franchise and then was shoehorned into it when it arrived on DVD.) There is a solid death sequence involving spiders that a few other recent films have done. Kate Mara stars, and her sister Rooney (billed as Patricia Mara) appears for a second. GRADE: D

HORRORFEST XI: In Which We Are All Now in a Horror Movie

BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE 

(Katja von Garnier, 2007)

Agnes Bruckner, so terrific in 2003's indie Blue Car, plays a werewolf who falls for a mortal (Hugh Dancy). Predating Twilight by just under two years, this is a very similar romance with light fantasy/horror elements. Despite the attractive cast, none of it is particularly sexy or romantic. It's kind of funny this film was such a non-event upon release, the film was in development for years. I remember reading about it in the late 90's on Dark Horizons and those various movie sites that were so ubiquitous at the time. Olivier Martinez also appears. GRADE: C-

CAT'S EYE 

(Lewis Teague, 1985)

Drew Barrymore stars in this anthology from Stephen King and the director of Cujo. The first story involves James Woods using an unorthodox service to quit smoking. The second is a man trapped on the ledge of a building while various forces try to push him off. (Really?) The third, and best, is Barrymore as a girl being saved from a deadly troll in her walls by a stray cat. None of this is particular cinematic, and the stories are so random. I wouldn't even say the first two qualify as horror. GRADE: C

DRESSED TO KILL

(Brian De Palma, 1980)

De Palma's camptastic riff on Psycho, with Michael Caine as a therapist whose transsexual client might be murdering women. A triple Razzie nominee, the film is as problematic today as it was when it was released. It's also rather exhilarating, with a great star turn by Angie Dickinson. And, hey, SEX SCENES! Remember those? De Palma really was on fire in this era, with all his fetishes on full display here. Also with Nancy Allen, Keith Gordon, and a slim, young Dennis Franz. GRADE: A-

FLATLINERS

(Joel Schumacher, 1990)

A group of medical students conducts potentially deadly experiments on each other to find out if there is an afterlife. With the cast, cinematography and Schumacher's direction, it's a perfect relic of its time. That, however, doesn't make it a good movie and only slightly superior to the 2017 reboot. Kiefer Sutherland, Julia Roberts, Kevin Bacon, Oliver Platt, Hope Davis, and super sexy William Baldwin star. GRADE: C+

THE HAUNTED MANSION

(Rob Minkoff, 2003)

Super generic family film finds Eddie Murphy as a a realtor brought to an old, ornate home to potentially sell. The owners have sinister plans for his wife in this adaptation of the Disney ride. Remember when we were adapting theme park rides into features? This and Pirates of the Caribbean both came out in the same year, and I don't believe there's been another theme park ride film in a while. I'm holding out for Tilt-a-Whirl: The Movie. Everything about this is so bland and forgettable, it practically evaporates long before the credits even start rolling. With Terence Stamp and Jennifer Tilly. GRADE: C

LONG WEEKEND

(Colin Eggleston, 1978)

Nature takes revenge against a bickering-to-the-point-of-divorce couple in this Australian thriller. It definitely has that goofy Aussie-ness that some other genre films from Down Under have, but I wished it focused on the horror aspects just a tad more. Ecological horrors are always welcome, especially more realistic ones. Upon researching, I just found out there was a remake in 2008 called Nature's Grave starring Jim Caviezel and from the director of Urban Legend. Starring John Hargreaves (perpetually in short shorts! Nice!) and Briony Behets. Sad random bit of trivia: Hargreaves died of AIDS in the mid 90's, as did the lead of another Aussie 70's horror film - Gary Bond from Wake in Fright. Both were gay. Even after all these years, it's still devastating to think of all the great artists we were robbed of. GRADE: B-

MARROWBONE

(Sergio G. Sanchez, 2018)

After their mother dies, siblings in an isolated farmhouse agree to not tell anyone of her death until the oldest boy turns 21 and can adopt them. The problem is the house might be haunted. Drama with supernatural elements, it's another one that is a bit too generic and borrows too many plot points from other films even if some of the twists work. The cast is aces, though. George MacKay, Anya Taylor-Joy, Mia Goth and Charlie Heaton star. GRADE: C+