BFCA TRAINWRECK OF HURT - THE CRITICS CHOICE AWARDS

If you've never had the pleasure of watching an award show with me, well....

I typed this as the Critics Choice Awards were occuring:

Red Carpet:

+Saoirse Ronan looks all grown up. And GORGEOUS!
+Marion Cotillard is so charming but her look is a big MISS.
+Anna Kendrick has hair extentions.
+Zachary Quinto looks SO HOT.
+Zoe Saldana better be at the Oscars. I think she'll be the best dressed of the season. Just lovely.
+Mo'nique's attitude regarding award season has been a breath of fresh air. Go girl!
+Julianne Moore is a fashionista.
+JOHN KRASINSKI AND EMILY BLUNT!!!!

Overall, I'm surprised that the fashions were a lot more interesting than I expected. Lots of risk-taking. Go ladies!

LOL - They are really beating us over the head with this "these films go on to win OSCARS!"

THE SHOW:

Ugh, this is a trainwreck already.

"Brace yourself, this is gonna hurt." Really, Chenoweth.

+It's nice to see Heather Graham back, oddly enough.
+And there goes any goodwill for her and Ed Helms. God, this is the WORST banter I've ever heard.
+THE BASTERDS TAKE ENSEMBLE.
+Eli Roth looks hot. I'd hate-fuck him so hard.
+Vera Farmiga, in the audience, looks like Gillian Anderson.
+LOL The audience isn't even trying to look interested in Chenoweth.
+I actually love the idea of the lighting of the tables for each nominated film.
+LOL Chenoweth should just sing everything.
+Tobey Maguire looks stoned
+GO MO GO!!!! Marion Cotillard looked so happy when Mo' won.
+MONIQUE TAKES SUPPORTING ACTRESS! Solid speech.
+Chenoweth as a smurf auditioning for Avatar. Oh holy god.
+JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT!!!!! Yum.
+I can't believe the actors agreed to participate in these sketches.
+AVATAR wins action film.
+UP wins animated film.
+OK. Just when we thought Chenoweth was the most annoying thing on stage, along comes Nick Jonas.
+Now she's doing Lovely Bones and Orphan. Ugh. See, Chenoweth is talented, but this is just so bad its dragging her down.
+Saoirse is sooo not amused with Chenoweth.
+Josh Duhamel and Kristen Bell are cute together, but, you know, awful material.
+The young actor clips are awful. Total camp. GO SAOIRSE!!!!!
+The little girl from Brothers seemed genuintely happy.
+KRASINSKI AND POEHLER DO A TRIBUTE TO JOHN HUGHES. Ok, that intro was awful. Especially when they cut to random actors. Vera and Meryl looked really bored. But the clip package was actually decent.
+And now Death Cab for Cutie ruins it.
+EMILY BLUNT!!!!!

+I started drinking to get through this.

+Wow, Emily Blunt's intro for Supporting Actor wasn't bad.
+MATT DAMON IN RUGBY SHORTS!!!!
+CHRISTOPH WALTZ WON!!!! He is so humble, and clearly moved. (He must not realize how awful this show is.)
+If this doesn't kill Chenoweth's career.....

+I'm going to be drunk probably. Typing Vera Farmiga won't be easy.

+Sarah Silverman and Adam Lambert. Sarah starts talking about penises and Sandra is hugging the kid from the Blind Side. Nice.
+The Hangover wins Comedy Movie. For some reason unbeknownst to me.

+Ad for Valentine's Day. Topher Grace shirtless. Julia and Anne smile. All might be right with the world.

+Zac Efron and Zoe Saldana. Ugh, Zoe is perfection.
+BEST SONG goes to CRAZY HEART!
+Ok, T Bone Burnett and James Cameron look switched at birth.
+Ryan Bingham is hot.
+Abbie Cornish dress is so bland and is exactly the type of fashion I'd expect from this award show. Her shoes are killer though. Jason Bateman is sporting some kind of awful beard.
+THE COVE takes DOC.

+I'm already mistyping things. Damn you, alcholol! Vera Farmiga. Vera Farmiga. Very farm guy?

+WTF "How many of you are afraid of watching this movie?" Nice job, documentary guy.

+Chenoweth now parodies (?) Up.
+Craig Robinson and Rob Cordry are presenters. They are covering awards that have not aired. AVATAR won alot.
+Now Chenoweth is harassing Jeremy Renner again. He looks so embarassed!
+DAMN CLAIRE DANES LOOKS SMOKING, despite a semi-bland dress. And she's with Quinto, he is hot.
+Actually, on second thought, Danes doesn't look that great. Kinda like Cameron Diaz's younger slutty sister. Must be the alcohol.
+UP IN THE AIR takes ADAPTED SCREENPLAY.

+Awards not aired (lucky them):
TV Movie: Grey Gardens
Foreign Language Film: Broken Embraces
Score: Up
Costume Design: The Young Victoria
Art Direction: Avatar
Visual Effects: Avatar
Sound: Avatar
Cinematography: Avatar
Editing: Avatar

+ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - TARANTINO!!!!!!!!
+God damn, how is Kathryn Bigelow almost 60? She doesn't look a day over 40.
+Diane Kruger is sorta cool. Hopefully she's done with that National Treasure shit.
+And Nick Jonas shits up the place again.
+And I'm drinking a rum and coke.
+Who is Anna Kendrick's adorkable boyfriend?
+Meryl Streep presents some kind of lifetime award to Kevin Bacon. Ummm, okay?
+SAMUEL L.! LOL ON A FUCKIN PLANE!
+I REALLY HOPE BIGELOW WINS DIRECTING!
+AND SHE FUCKING DOES!
STANDING OVATION.

HERE YOU GO MOTHER FUCKERS! FIRST WOMAN TO WIN THE OSCAR FOR BEST DIRECTOR!
AGAIN, HOW IS SHE ALMOST 60?

+Vera Farmiga (HAH! TAKE THAT RUM & COKE) presents Actor? Ummm. Bias?
+CRAZY HEART JEFF BRIDGES!!!! LOVE HIM SO MUCH. ANOTHER STANDING O!!!!
+OK HE'S DRUNK!!!
+LOL DIANE KRUGER is stuffing her face at the Basterds table.
I'm so ecstatic for Bridges and Bigelow even if I haven't seen their movies

ACTRESS AND PICTURE LEFT.
YUMMMMM BRADLEY COOPER. But I like him more with scruff.
+ACTRESS IS......A TIE!!!
(AGAIN!)
MERYL STREEP &
(aww. krasinski kissed blunt right before brad read the winner)
OH MERYL! UGH, THERE REALLY IS NO ONE BETTER.
"I love food and I love sex."
THE OTHER ONE IS SANDRA BULLOCK!!!!!!
OH FUCK. THE OSCARS ARE SCREWED.
Shit, Carey Mulligan looked sad?

OMG!
BEST AWARD SHOW MOMENT EVER!!!!!!!
SANDRA: THIS IS BULLSHIT.
Then circled Streep.
Then tried to french her.

Wow, Mulligan still looks sad.

BUT BLUNT IS SO HAPPY!

See, the interaction between Sandra & Meryl is just proof how great and genuine people they are.

OKAY. I sorta want Sandra to win the Oscar now cuz her speech would be epic.
LOL SUSAN SARANDON. LOOKING AMAZING.
THE BEST PICTURE MONTAGE IS ACTUALLY REALLY GOOD?

THE HURT LOCKER TAKES PICTURE
WOAH!

AND JEREMY RENNER IS MY AWARD SEASON BOYFRIEND!!!
AND KATHRYN BIGELOW MY AWARD SEASON GIRLFRIEND?

Awww. Marion looked so happy for them?

Well, that was an awful trainwreck but the last half hour wasn't too bad.