(William Malone, 2002)
Infamously on the small list of films that were given an "F" by Cinemascore, this dud from 20 years ago follows a serial killer murdering people after they log on to a website. Released about 2 months before The Ring, it's striking how many similarities the films have and how The Ring does those things successfully while this, uh, does not. Understatement of the day. The film moves from scene to scene with little sense, and Natascha McElhone (a decent actress in other projects) is epically bad here. It's also one of those films where it appears everyone is living in a crack house. Stephen Dorff and Stephen Rea also star. GRADE: D-
(George McCowan, 1972)
A nature-strike-back thriller that is...ribbiting. Amusing and silly, this eco-thriller follows a photographer (Sam Elliott) who becomes entangled in the birthday celebration of a southern patriarch (Ray Milland) and his family of assholes. As the festivities kick off, the local animals start going nuts. It's not just frogs, as alligators, turtles, spiders, and snakes all exact their revenge on selfish mankind. Though there certainly is enough footage of frogs to make up a documentary. I'm sure there's a joke I could make about kissing a frog to get a prince in the form of a delicious young Sam Elliott. Also with Joan Van Ark. GRADE: B-
(Timo Vuorensola, 2022)
Reboot of the franchise (and the first installment not directed by a pedophile!) in which we learn that The Creeper was just a movie character and urban legend. At a horror festival, a young woman begins having visions of The Creeper, and after being taken to an escape room, she comes face to face with him. This chapter is particularly disappointing because we should be getting a new one in 2024 if the "every 23 years" is supposed to be believed. Hopefully, that's one with an actual budget and follows closer to the worthier first two films in the franchise. The lead actress's name is Sydney Craven, which is more amusing than anything in the film. Genre legend Dee Wallace also appears in a cameo. GRADE: D
MAN BITES DOG
PEARL
ROAD KILL
SEE FOR ME
WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING
(Remy Belvaux, Andre Bonzel, and Benoit Poelvoorde, 1992)
Mockumentary about a trio of French filmmakers following around a charismatic but cloying serial killer (Poelvoorde, doing double duty as co-director and actor) as he goes about his daily life, interacts with family and friends, and murders people before dumping their bodies in a reservoir. Darkly comic, after thirty years this NC-17 Cannes winner hasn't lost any of its shock value. It still packs a potent punch. Perhaps on the subject of how much responsibility filmmakers have with their subject, it's timelier than ever. GRADE: B+
(Ti West, 2022)
West and actress Mia Goth collaborated on this prequel to this year's terrific slasher X, following the hopes and dreams and ax murders of a young Texas farmgirl. (A sequel to X, titled MaXXXine is currently in production and the trailer follows the credits of this.) Tonally different than its predecessor (is that what you call what came before the prequel?), Pearl is closer to an offbeat, slow burn character study. Goth, however, is working at GOAT-levels here. I can only hope some critics rally behind her at the end of the year for both her work in this and X. Also with David Corenswet as a movie projectionist/amateur pornographer. GRADE: B
(Dean Francis, 2010)
A quartet of young friends vacationing in the Australian Outback are run off the road by a seemingly driverless truck train. Stranded, they decide to steal the truck to drive it to safety but the truck begins to have a supernatural pull on them. I love me some road thrillers and hot Aussie actors, but this doesn't work at all. Mostly just silly silliness, with a lot of blood. With Xavier Samuel, Bob Morley, Sophie Lowe and Georgina Haig. GRADE: D+
(Randall Okita, 2022)
Imagine the Audrey Hepburn film Wait Until Dark updated for the smartphone and gamer era. A blind former skier takes a job as a house (and cat!) sitter for a rich woman. At night, a group of criminals breaks in looking for a safe full of cash. The only way the woman can fight back is with the help of an app called "See For Me" that lets another person be her "eyes". Suspenseful with some clever character twists, it's also one of the first of a kind given the authentic casting of lead Skyler Davenport. Jessica Parker Kennedy is also well utilized as the veteran on the other end of the app. A little seen gem that hopefully more people discover in the coming years: GRADE: B+
(Sean King O'Grady, 2021)
I knew this was going to be a frustrating watch based on the trailer. It just reeked of one of those films that descends into nonsense before a VERY ABRUPT ending that cuts to a goofy song choice over the credits. Well... A bickering family sticks out a dangerous storm in their large bathroom. After the winds let up, a tree blocks their exit leaving them stuck for days. Ominous signs from outside indicate something awful might have happened, as the family slowly starts to turn on each other. The actors are good, and the set up is intriguing. But the more that's explained, the less interested I grew. The two developments that work (the snake and the person/animal tongue) quickly yield eyerolls. With Sierra McCormick, Pat Healey, and Vinessa Shaw. GRADE: C
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